Alastair Swinnerton

I don’t normally do this kind of thing, but one of my new-found gang of fellow writers just posted about being suckered into doing some chain letter post thing called 7-7-7-7. The idea it seems is to post seven lines from seven lines down on the seventh page of one’s book, then get seven other writers to do the same. So I agreed to post the lines, but only because my publisher asked me to, but I won’t be bugging seven other authors, mostly because, apart from this new gang, I only know two others, and I wouldn’t dream of asking them. But anyway, here are the lines, from an as yet unpublished (Edit: published in January 2019) comedy fantasy novel called ‘The Flying Monk’:

“It would go some way to explaining her appearance at this juncture to point out that her name is Audrey Wilde, and, although she is no relation whatsoever to the famous playwright, she has devoted her whole life to convincing others that she is not only related, but bears the entire burden of carrying on his good works. The fact that she has never written so much as a note to the milkman, nor could she think up a bon mot to save her life, she sees as no handicap. Whether or not the great man would be honoured at being immortalised in an alcoholic Wiltshire pub landlady will never be known; however, no-one in Malmesbury really cares whether he would be or not as long as they get free drinks out of it.

“Now,” she continued, after disentangling her scarf from the fruit machine, “did someone mention drinking me dry?”

“Not you personally you silly old cow,” Nobby replied, in the time honoured tradition.

“Thank you dear, I didn’t suppose it would be, although anyone is welcome to try. However, there is the small matter of payment. No pennies, no pints, as they say.”

“As who says?” said Stan Crudwell, after everyone had spent a moment or so trying to place the quotation; like all her others, it remained unattributed.

“Well I’m sure someone did – anyhow, that’s by the by – who’s paying?”

“Don’t get your corsets crossed, Aud,” said Stan, giving her a hearty slap on the behind, also in the time honoured tradition.